People in this world have 3 big fears that hold them back from getting so much more from their life, those things are;
- The unknown (like death)
- What others think of them
In the last week I have realised all of the above are things that I fear sometimes so much so, that they stop me from doing things I need/ want to do more than anything else.
I fear death so much- I am afraid of flying, of heights or of either of my illnesses being the death of me. Staying alone or going somewhere alone scares me because what if I die, what if the last thing I ever see is the ceiling above me?
Which is why I forgive so easily and hate to go to bed upset or fighting with someone. I would hate to think if anything were to happen to me someone I loved would think I hated them because none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, we never know what might happen. But a lot of people know that about me and some of them have used that against me.
I have low self-esteem! The thought of being alone terrifies me, so much so that sometimes it paralysis me in place where I just lay down and cry. Why am I crying? I am not exactly sure. Maybe due to regret of the chances I didn’t take or the fear that I failed. Or maybe it’s because I am aware that I allow people to treat me how they want, pick me up and drop me as they please all because I am so terrified of being lonely or alone. I have never believed I deserved more than what I have.
I am not talking about romances I am talking about friends, mainly. There are a number of people in my life who do or have treated me so badly and I am always so afraid I will be left alone that I let them walk all over me.
I wrote a blog last week titled Three Steps Forward, Two steps back – Learning to balance, but anyone who read it within the first few hours will notice I changed it. In the original post I wrote ‘ A lot of people don’t seem to understand how draining, scary and lonely battling a physical or mental illness/condition can be. No one wants to hang out with their sick friend when they have better options available to them. Don’t get me wrong some of my friends have been amazing, and I understand others just aren’t quite sure what to do or say.’
I seen nothing wrong with that paragraph but I had a number of people (at least 10) contact me or get mad about it and I stupidly took it down. Why? To keep other people happy like I always do. Because I was afraid what other people would think of me.
But this is MY BLOG, therefore I CAN DO what I please with it.
There are things I want to do things I whished I had done and people I wish I had let go a long time ago. I am starting to see that some people hurt me more than they have ever helped me.
A wise friend told me last night that I need to stop surrounding myself with negative people who make me feel worthless. that ‘ The second anyone makes you feel bad about yourself, question their place in your life…..You’re worth so much more than that.’ And do you know what for the first time in a long time I believe that I am worthy of better.
So this is a note more for me than anything else (because if I post it on the internet I have to actually do it right?) I am going to work on me, discover who I am. I am going to dream big and if people don’t support or fit into that dream well then I will be questioning if they are worth my time. I am going to figure out who I am and then be unapologetically me.
I am worth more than I think I am, I just need to find out why I am worth more so that I can value my own worth.
I am not skinny, I have so much baggage I would need two luggage trolleys in a hotel, I sometimes wallow in self pitty, I get moody, I spend more money than I should sometimes and I can be selfish. But I have a big heart, when I love someone or something(like Marley my hamster) I love whole heartedly, I feel everyone else’s pain and hurt as well as my own. I am enthusiastic, I work hard, and I would do everything in my power to stop someone feeling as worthless as I have.
This is me moving forward, finding out who Nicole is, what she likes and what she wants to do.
If you ever feel like you have no one there for you, reach out to me. I will always lend an ear.
To all my readers sometimes you need to put yourself first even if that means cutting ties with someone who you care about, when they are hurting you or making you feel bad about yourself. You deserve and are worth so much more then that. Just because the friendship ends doesn’t mean you failed it means you were brave and strong enough to walk away from something that was unhealthy for you. You will always have the happier memories and the lessons you learned from the friendship.
In life we meet people and lose people, and even when people don’t stay by your side don’t think it is because you were not good enough. Sometimes people come into our lives to fulfil a purpose and teach us a lesson but that doesn’t mean they are meant to stay. So take each day and live each moment of it.
You get one life and it is your duty to live it the way you want to and enjoy each passing day and year to its fullest. Don’t let the things you fear hold you back or ruin your happiness. None of us make it out of this life alive anyway! So take the risks you need to take to make you happy. Quit the job, buy the coffee, go back to study your dream course, approach that guy or girl at the bar. The world is your oyster if you just have the power to see beyond what you are comfortable with and see what a catch you really are 😉